Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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