I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
