I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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