he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
