i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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