Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
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he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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