I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
