need another drink. this is the easiest way
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
pray to the hookup gods
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
