After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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