Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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