I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
