you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
