I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You were trust falling into bushes
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
