you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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