I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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