How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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