He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
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I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
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There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I did not marry a roomba.
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