I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
