Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
