did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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