Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
