last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
