Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ketchup is God's man juice
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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