Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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