Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize