Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
