is your mom at the bar?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
