Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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