I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
