I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
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