I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
