so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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