my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
