it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
