whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
