Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
