Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
