Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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