HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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