My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
