Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
