But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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