my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
