What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Your cock deserves a montage
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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