Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
