rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
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Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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