All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
