I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
