so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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