wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
