Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
