i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
