I just threw up on my dentist
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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