quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
