I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
