Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
